The thing with playing with fire is that you miss the burn.
being emotionally sick due to my wires being fried at age 5 from sexual abuse makes me miss the rush of sex addiction
i know in my mind that i cannot have sex anymore, but my brain misses all of the juices that would fire off from ; the chase, the emails, texts, first meeting, danger, physical closesness...wow; that's quite a cocktail of adrenaline and euphoria.
but then i remember the pitiful feeling when a partner would leave...some wouldn't say goodbye, most wouldn't kiss me before they left...i just gave my body away to a stranger. what the hell is wrong with me?
so....today feb 29th is my big sis' wedding anniversary...so i had rock worship on and snuggled up to my pillows, and yes, kissed them, and imagined jesus laying next to me. he is my lover, but not in a sexual way. he loves me and fulfills me, but it takes some concentration to visualize him in the room
i just lean against his ches, uh, pillow and imagine that i'm laying on the most powerful man in the univers. he tellls me i'm beautiful. i feel bliss.
then it's time to get ready for class and the bliss is gone...just like that. i honestly asked jesus today; just change me. i'm doin all the work, 12 steps; please change me.
stay tuned. 15 days sober from sex. 6.5 years sober from drugs/alcohol :)
being emotionally sick due to my wires being fried at age 5 from sexual abuse makes me miss the rush of sex addiction
i know in my mind that i cannot have sex anymore, but my brain misses all of the juices that would fire off from ; the chase, the emails, texts, first meeting, danger, physical closesness...wow; that's quite a cocktail of adrenaline and euphoria.
but then i remember the pitiful feeling when a partner would leave...some wouldn't say goodbye, most wouldn't kiss me before they left...i just gave my body away to a stranger. what the hell is wrong with me?
so....today feb 29th is my big sis' wedding anniversary...so i had rock worship on and snuggled up to my pillows, and yes, kissed them, and imagined jesus laying next to me. he is my lover, but not in a sexual way. he loves me and fulfills me, but it takes some concentration to visualize him in the room
i just lean against his ches, uh, pillow and imagine that i'm laying on the most powerful man in the univers. he tellls me i'm beautiful. i feel bliss.
then it's time to get ready for class and the bliss is gone...just like that. i honestly asked jesus today; just change me. i'm doin all the work, 12 steps; please change me.
stay tuned. 15 days sober from sex. 6.5 years sober from drugs/alcohol :)
